Snoop Dogg announces first annual AIDS Crip-Walk for Charity

Grammy winning rapper and pornographer Snoop Dogg (real name Calvin Broadus), announced plans today for the first Snoop Dogg Aids Crip-Walk to benefit AIDS Project Los Angeles. The charity event, to be held in Compton, California is a variation on popular AIDS Walk events. Instead of simply walking a predetermined distance, participants are expected to “Crip Walk” the entire route. Crip Walking or “Cripping” is a steady movement of the feet used to spell out gang-related symbols and images. The practice is popular among members of the California based Crips, a gang that Snoop Dogg has long been associated with.

The rapper hopes that the event will raise awareness, not only of the AIDS crisis, but of the Crips as well. When reached for comment, the rapper referred to himself in the third person by saying, “Big Snoop Dogg tha Dogfather of this whole charity shit. You know I gotta do my thang, fight that bug. But an OG is always repping they hood. That’s why we Crip Walking in Compton bitches; we fightin’ that AIDS.”

The move stunned many AIDS activists due to the rapper’s frequent use of homophobic slurs in his lyrics. When reached for comment, Director of AIDS Project Los Angeles Barry Tretorn told reporters, “This is certainly unexpected but charity work sometimes makes strange bedfellows! While I certainly don’t support everything Snoopy (sic) has done, I applaud his efforts on behalf of AIDS research. I think Snoopy and his Doggy Pound Gang are just terrific. They're fabulous!” Tretorn added, “Snoopy’s (sic) involvement has allowed us to reach a segment of the population that normally resists our message either from homophobia or simple fear. Kudos to you Mr. Dogg!”

When asked to comment on Tretorn’s statement, Snoop responded, “No Homo.”

AIDS Walk is a walkathon fundraiser that raises money to combat the AIDS epidemic. The funds raised from AIDS Walks usually benefit a local AIDS service organization which provide services and advocacy for local community residents who are infected with HIV. They are also often credited for being effective tools of public outreach, community empowerment, and education for the issues surrounding AIDS. Those wishing to make a donation to AIDS Project Los Angeles can do so HERE.

Snoop Dogg Demonstrates his "Crip Walk" technique

Method Man and Redman sign on for “Weekend at Bernie’s” remake

Executives at 20th Century Fox confirmed today that rappers and platonic life mates Redman and Methodman have signed on to star in a remake of the 80’s comedy “Weekend at Bernie’s.” The film, tentatively titled “Ballin’ at Bernie’s” is slated for release in February 2009.

The original “Weekend at Bernie’s,” released in 1989, starred Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman as a pair of young executives who must create the illusion that their murdered boss, Bernie Lomax is still alive in order to avoid being murdered themselves. The Redman and Methodman version will center around the creatively named characters “Red” and “Meth.” The characters are two aspiring rappers who must pretend that rap producer Bernie “Ice Dawg” Slim is still alive after a local gang murders him in a drive-by shooting. Red and Meth must keep up their clever ruse in order to avoid being murdered themselves and score a record deal by winning a local radio station talent contest.

When reached for comment, Redman, nee Reginald Noble, explained, "First ‘Bernie’s’? Straight up HOOD CLASSIC. Dat fool, straight murked and they be ballin’ in his crib like it ain't no fuckin’ thing. That’s what’s really hood. The second one was wack with that voodoo shit. What the fuck was that? But this one we're takin’ it dirty, we gonna be smokin’ up in that shit, bangin’ bitches, Red, Mef and Bernie yo, all up in your cinema."

Redman and Method Man previously starred together in the 2001 stoner comedy film “How High”, which featured the pair playing two marijuana-addled students attempting to survive at Harvard University. The duo also briefly had their own television sitcom, “Method & Red”, which featured the pair interacting with a variety of upper-middle class Caucasian stereotypes on Fox during the 2003–2004 season. The two also co-own three Einstein Bagels franchises in the greater Dallas Fort Worth area and co-manage a small maple syrup farm in northern Vermont.

Method Man addressed critics who doubted the duo’s commitment to maple syrup manufacturing, "First thing we do in the morning is get high. So you know we love our fuckin’ maple syrup . We need the raw uncut organic shit. So we takin’ the methods of productions into our own hands. Yeah son, that’s the package, right there."

“Already Platinum” Still Not Platinum

Nearly three years since its release, “Already Platinum” the major label debut from Houston rapper Slim Thug has yet to be certified as a platinum record. A Platinum Record is an award given to a musical artist for the sale of one million copies of an album. The most recent data from Soundscan, the entity charged with monitoring music sales, indicates that the record has yet to achieve even Gold Record status, selling only 457,002 copies since it’s release. In recent months, the record has been consistently selling approximately 100 copies a week. If this trend continues, the record should achieve platinum status sometime in the year 2018.

Slim Thug, nee Stayve Jerome Thomas, is known among hip hop fans primarily for appearing on a Mike Jones single, being really tall, and for having his name prominently tattooed on his forearms. The self-proclaimed “Boss of all Bosses” was signed by Geffen Interscope during the American public’s brief flirtation with regional Houston hip-hop, a subgenre known mostly for its celebration of prescription strength cough syrup and jewel encrusted dental appliances known as “grills.” Houston hip-hop reached its commercial peak in 2005 with releases from Mike Jones, Paul Wall, and Chamillionaire topping the billboard charts.

Commenting on the record’s boastful title, Slim Thug has recently distanced himself from the high expectations created by “Already Platinum.” He has claimed that the title referred not to the album that bared its name but to his previous success selling other albums, which, curiously had also failed to be certified platinum. “Yeah, I called my album 'Already Platinum.' In the streets they know me.” The back-peddling rapper explained, “Any hood I go to they know Slim Thug. I've been rich for years. I got fuckin’ platinum in my mouth, platinum on the handle of my glock, platinum in my wood grain. Soundscan can't tell me nothing about platinum."

“Already Platinum” was released in the summer of 2005 to high expectations. Executives at Interscope hoped the record would appeal to hip hop fans hungry for songs addressing gun violence, unearned bravado and customized cars who had not tired of hearing these issues commented on by every single rapper in existence. In an bid for mainstream success, many of the tracks on the record were produced by The Neptunes, a highly successful production team consisting of Pharrell and another guy who appears to be of Asian descent. Despite the high profile production and a strong marketing push, Slim Thug failed to connect with a mainstream audience, quickly falling down the billboard charts.

Slim Thug has taken the commercial disappointment of “Already Platinum” in stride. Despite the tendency of many hip hop artists to blame their record companies in such situations, Slim Thug has been eager to shoulder his share of the blame for the lackluster sales. “I think it was a great record, but the problem was the label and the decision-making. Geffen didn't respect my G. My whole album was produced by Pharrell. I mean that’s alright for a single but my dirty south crew didn't get their shine. I grind dirty, ridin’ on candy paint. What they know about that at Geffen? So I'm gonna say their name after RIP. I’m tha Boss. H-Town's finest. Ya heard?"

In recent weeks, Slim Thug has been released from his contract with Interscope Records. His next album “Boss of All Bosses” will be self-released.

Slim Thug’s latest release, titled "Headed 2 Da Kappa", is a mixtape collaboration with the Boss Hogg Outlawz. The mixtape is available for free download HERE. (link via Mixtape Mafia).

KRS-One educates youth about non-violence, KRS-One

Prior to injuries that lead to the postponement of KRS-One's “Stop the Violence” tour, the rapper and Nike pitchman spent last Monday at Crane High School in Chicago educating students about non-violence and who KRS-One is. The tour, which includes stops in some of the nation’s roughest neighborhoods is geared toward promoting KRS-One’s message of nonviolence and his latest single, "Self-Construction." Speaking to a disinterested teenage audience with only a vague notion of who he was, KRS-One (real name Lawrence Parker) spouted trite slogans and non-sequiturs, urging students to “Create themselves” and “polish their mind metal.”

Once considered a significant figure in the hip hop community, KRS-One has been largely ignored by the younger generation of hip hop fans due both to his creepy demeanor and his pseudo intellectual condescension. KRS hopes to appeal to a younger demographic by appearing at their schools and yelling at them for twenty minutes. “I’m talking deep here, only five of you are probably going to understand what I’m saying here,” he told a captive audience who faced detention if they did not remain for the entire lecture, “I'm going to be real with you.”

Reaction to KRS’s message was mixed among the student body. When asked for comment, Tamika Jones, a sophomore, asked, “Why did they get the janitor to talk to us about violence? Did his son get shot or something? He’s old… and weird.”

“This is some bullsh*t, I thought we was gettin’ T.I.!” declared Darnell Washington, referring to the more popular southern rapper who is touring local high schools as part of his court ordered community service.

Others in attendance found much to admire in KRS’s message of hope and beginner level eastern philosophy. Derrick Parson, the gym teacher at Crane High School declared "Man back in '81, I remember the Blastmaster KRS-1 rappin’ at a park party out in Brooklyn Heights. The bridge is over! Maaaan, I thought that guy had retired or something"

KRS-One had a message for the public, "If you keep perpetuating violence, aggressive behavior, that's what people are going to gravitate toward. But if you turn the volume up on peace, people will gravitate towards that as well. Enlightenment comes through education which is fundamental to Hip Hop and to proceed to the next level in the God's karmic knowledge.”

KRS-One’s “Stop the Violence” tour has been temporarily postponed due to injuries to KRS-One caused by violence. The weekend after KRS-One’s “Stop the Violence” rally there were 26 shootings in the Chicago area resulting in four fatalities.

KRS-One’s “Self Construction Preview video featuring The Game (plead no contest to weapons and assault charges), Cassidy (convicted of involuntary manslaughter and two counts of aggravated assault), Fat Joe (arrested on robbery and assault charges), Chamillionare (arrested in a video once).

KRS-One acting as a glorified show and tell presentation:

Lupe Fiasco Wedgied

Following a performance last night at the Key Arena in Seattle, Washington, rapper and self-described “nerd” Lupe Fiasco was reportedly the victim of a vicious wedgie. Fiasco, real name Wasalu Muhammad Jaco, was in town for the opening night of Kanye West’s “Glow in the Dark” tour, which also featured performances by R&B star Rihanna (the poor man's Beyonce), and genre bending rap/rock group N.E.R.D (commonly referred to among hip hop fans as “Pharrell and those other tools”).

According to sources close to the rapper, shortly after leaving the stage he was confronted by two men described as “mean bullies.” The two men allegedly confronted the rapper, calling him names and questioning his gender before tossing his rhyme notebook into a nearby puddle. The two men then yanked up the rapper’s underwear waistband in a maneuver commonly referred to as a “wedgie.”

When reached for comment, a shaken and tearful Fiasco told Murder4Life, “Those guys are jerks! I was just minding my business and these guys just came and picked on me.” While the rapper did not threaten retribution for the bullying, he did vow to “tell Kanye” about the incident.

Lupe Fiasco, a Chicago-based rapper and probable virgin rose to fame after appearing on Kanye West’s hit single “Touch the Sky.” While his records have not faired well in the commercial marketplace, he has been able to gain some notoriety as an “intelligent rapper.” The "intelligent" classification is due in large part to the recent popularity of hip hop hailing from the Southern portion of America. Southern hip-hop, known primarily for its crude boastfulness and graphic references to genitalia, has set the bar for classifying hip hop as “intelligent” surprisingly low in recent years. This has allowed Lupe to retain the title of “intelligent rapper,” despite the fact that the subject matter of most of his songs center around the activities of friendless high school drop-outs, namely video games, cartoons and skateboarding.

The two suspects in the wedgie-ing remain at large and security officials for the “Glow in the Dark” tour are currently assessing whether additional security is required for future dates. Lupe has requested that his mother be flown out for his protection for the remainder of the tour.

Details of the attack remain sketchy and it was not known at press time whether the rapper was also the victim of an “Indian Burn” and whether the wedgie was of the normal variety or an “atomic wedgie.” The next tour stop for the “Glow in the Dark” tour is the ARCO Arena in Sacramento, California on Saturday night.

The "Glow In The Dark" tour mixtape featuring Lupe Fiasco is available for free download HERE.

Saigon changes name to Ho Chi Minh City

Rapper Saigon shocked his dozens of fans today by announcing that he is changing his stage name to Ho Chi Minh City. Saigon, born Brian Daniel Carenard, is a New York City mixtape rapper best known for a speaking role on the homoerotic HBO sitcom “Entourage” and for having his debut album delayed to the point of comedic absurdity.

Sources close to Ho Chi Minh City (HCMC) report that the decision came shortly after he learned that Saigon, the capital city of Vietnam, is no longer named Saigon. The city has been named Ho Chi Minh City since the end of the Vietnam War in 1975. The rapper felt that being named after a city that no longer existed didn’t properly reflect his desperate attempts to stay current in a genre that had largely ignores him.

The rapper explained the decision declaring, “I mean, I just found out about this news. Mad shit be going down there in China or whatever. Get knowledge. So when the news got to my hood I decided that the times don’t change only the names remain the same. Shit is conscious but gangster and you know I’m the most relevant cat in the game.”

The news didn’t come as a shock to HCMC’s diminutive fan base who have become accustomed to his frequent temper tantrums and rash decisions. In 2007, the rapper publicly retired from hip-hop and, upon learning that “hip hop” did not pay retirement benefits, returned a month later. Other bizarre pronouncements by the rapper include his declaration that rapper Tupac Shakur was killed as a result of a government conspiracy and that his debut album will be released this year. When reached for comment, Rebecca Greenwald, a publicist at Atlantic Records, was quoted as saying, “Ho Chi What City?” When ask to elaborate, Greenwald continued, “He thinks his album is coming out this year? That's adorable!"

The newly named Ho Chi Minh to Murder4Life that he had a message for his fans. “This rap game be bigger than motherfuckers think. Saigon as a name is a global phenomenon. The rhymes I spit are so lyrical they bang with me all over the globe son. Ho Chi Minn, that’s what you call me now and forever in the streets. That’s where my rhymes come from whatever name I and the supreme counsels concede to be true that is what representing means.”

Saigon's "The Moral of the Story" mixtape is available for download HERE.

Legal Shocker: 50 Cent has his Baby Mama sent to the Arctic Circle

Following news last week that rapper 50 Cent had his ex-girlfriend, and the mother of his child, Shaniqua Tompkins, evicted from his Long Island mansion, 50 Cent’s legal team scored another victory in court today. In a move unprecedented in the American legal system, a judge ordered Shaniqua Tompkins to be set adrift on an ice floe in the Arctic Circle. Justice Franklin Hoffman, the presiding judge, gave Ms. Tompkins thirty days to put her affairs in order, at which time she will be flown at her own expense to a frozen section of northern Canada and placed on a floating chunk of ice that is not to exceed ten kilometers (six miles) in its greatest dimension.

The move came in response to news that Ms. Tompkins would be unable to repay money she owed to 50 Cent for minor damages to his Long Island home during the time she spent living there. When news of the non-payment reached Fifty, his attorneys sprung into action, filing an emergency motion with the Suffolk County Housing Court requesting the unusual punishment.

The verdict, which was met with gasps from observers in the packed courtroom, stunned legal experts and prompted an immediate appeal from Ms. Tompkins’s attorney. Speaking from the courthouse steps, the flustered and obviously outmatched attorney told reporters, “This is an absurd and unprecedented abuse of the legal system. We remain confident that justice will be served on appeal.” In the meantime, Ms. Tompkins was seen purchasing warm clothing and has enrolled in a two-week intensive course in Arctic survival skills at the Learning Annex.

50 Cent (real name Curtis Jackson), the clear victor in the legal battle expressed his pleasure with the verdict and added, "My team the Jew-Unit, best lawyers you can get. Believe that. I only hang out with professionals. I got money, that’s not even a question but I'm planning on keeping my money. Ain't nobody gonna mess with my crib. You scuff my floors, I straight murk you. That’s what’s hood."

Jackson was similarly optimistic about his future recording endeavors, "You know you can expect quality with anything on the G-Unit brand. Records, clothing, legal verdicts, we deal in consistency. Our 4th quarter profits are gonna be sky high son! I'm not just a rapper I'm the CEO of EVERYTHING. If you're not making money with us, you're not making money period."

When reached for comment, Fifty's lawyer Brett Kimmel, was enthusiastic about the verdict. “My client is the real victim here. After opening his home to Ms. Thompson, she repeatedly violated his trust as well as the terms of their housing agreement by inviting friends and relatives into the house and continually scuffing the hard woods floors of the home.” Other reported damage to the home includes a burned out light bulb, dirty dishes left in a sink and a bed of Azaleas that was trampled by a neighbor’s dog.

Fifty’s lawyer continued, “Many people may find this punishment to be rare, but this was a fairly common practice among the nomadic Inuit tribes of Greenland and northern Alaska at the turn of the 20th Century. There is a valid legal precedent here.” In keeping with the Inuit tradition, if Ms. Tompkins is able to survive in the Arctic and return to the United States, her debt to Fifty will be erased and she will be welcomed back into American society.

The fate of 50 Cent’s son, Marquise Jackson remains in question. At the rapper’s discretion, the child may be sent to live in the his palatial Connecticut estate or, possibly into the custody of a foster home or child services.

The popular legend that the Inuit commonly put their old people on ice floes and set them adrift is wrong in detail, but it's not terribly far off in the broad strokes. Where it was practiced, senilicide (the killing of old people) was rare except during famines. As long as there was enough food, everyone got their share, including the relatively unproductive. However, when food did run short, the old and sick were looked upon as drains on the community's resources. Sometimes they were killed – thrown into the sea, locked out in the cold, or starved to death. Far more commonly they were simply abandoned to die. If an abandoned person could manage to make his way back to the village on his own, he would be welcomed back as a full member of the community. However, this outcome was a rarity.

“Lock and Load,” the second studio album from 50 Cent’s hip hop group G-Unit is scheduled to be released on June 24th on Interscope Records.  The latest G-Unit Mixtape "Elephant in the Sand is available for free download HERE.