Legal Shocker: 50 Cent has his Baby Mama sent to the Arctic Circle

Following news last week that rapper 50 Cent had his ex-girlfriend, and the mother of his child, Shaniqua Tompkins, evicted from his Long Island mansion, 50 Cent’s legal team scored another victory in court today. In a move unprecedented in the American legal system, a judge ordered Shaniqua Tompkins to be set adrift on an ice floe in the Arctic Circle. Justice Franklin Hoffman, the presiding judge, gave Ms. Tompkins thirty days to put her affairs in order, at which time she will be flown at her own expense to a frozen section of northern Canada and placed on a floating chunk of ice that is not to exceed ten kilometers (six miles) in its greatest dimension.

The move came in response to news that Ms. Tompkins would be unable to repay money she owed to 50 Cent for minor damages to his Long Island home during the time she spent living there. When news of the non-payment reached Fifty, his attorneys sprung into action, filing an emergency motion with the Suffolk County Housing Court requesting the unusual punishment.

The verdict, which was met with gasps from observers in the packed courtroom, stunned legal experts and prompted an immediate appeal from Ms. Tompkins’s attorney. Speaking from the courthouse steps, the flustered and obviously outmatched attorney told reporters, “This is an absurd and unprecedented abuse of the legal system. We remain confident that justice will be served on appeal.” In the meantime, Ms. Tompkins was seen purchasing warm clothing and has enrolled in a two-week intensive course in Arctic survival skills at the Learning Annex.

50 Cent (real name Curtis Jackson), the clear victor in the legal battle expressed his pleasure with the verdict and added, "My team the Jew-Unit, best lawyers you can get. Believe that. I only hang out with professionals. I got money, that’s not even a question but I'm planning on keeping my money. Ain't nobody gonna mess with my crib. You scuff my floors, I straight murk you. That’s what’s hood."

Jackson was similarly optimistic about his future recording endeavors, "You know you can expect quality with anything on the G-Unit brand. Records, clothing, legal verdicts, we deal in consistency. Our 4th quarter profits are gonna be sky high son! I'm not just a rapper I'm the CEO of EVERYTHING. If you're not making money with us, you're not making money period."

When reached for comment, Fifty's lawyer Brett Kimmel, was enthusiastic about the verdict. “My client is the real victim here. After opening his home to Ms. Thompson, she repeatedly violated his trust as well as the terms of their housing agreement by inviting friends and relatives into the house and continually scuffing the hard woods floors of the home.” Other reported damage to the home includes a burned out light bulb, dirty dishes left in a sink and a bed of Azaleas that was trampled by a neighbor’s dog.

Fifty’s lawyer continued, “Many people may find this punishment to be rare, but this was a fairly common practice among the nomadic Inuit tribes of Greenland and northern Alaska at the turn of the 20th Century. There is a valid legal precedent here.” In keeping with the Inuit tradition, if Ms. Tompkins is able to survive in the Arctic and return to the United States, her debt to Fifty will be erased and she will be welcomed back into American society.

The fate of 50 Cent’s son, Marquise Jackson remains in question. At the rapper’s discretion, the child may be sent to live in the his palatial Connecticut estate or, possibly into the custody of a foster home or child services.

The popular legend that the Inuit commonly put their old people on ice floes and set them adrift is wrong in detail, but it's not terribly far off in the broad strokes. Where it was practiced, senilicide (the killing of old people) was rare except during famines. As long as there was enough food, everyone got their share, including the relatively unproductive. However, when food did run short, the old and sick were looked upon as drains on the community's resources. Sometimes they were killed – thrown into the sea, locked out in the cold, or starved to death. Far more commonly they were simply abandoned to die. If an abandoned person could manage to make his way back to the village on his own, he would be welcomed back as a full member of the community. However, this outcome was a rarity.

“Lock and Load,” the second studio album from 50 Cent’s hip hop group G-Unit is scheduled to be released on June 24th on Interscope Records.  The latest G-Unit Mixtape "Elephant in the Sand is available for free download HERE.